In place of the usual “Florida man” stories, this one begins:
A Florida woman was arrested on Monday after attempting to carry out one of the most interesting robberies we’ve ever seen.
Cheyenne Amber West, a 25-year-old mother from Fort Pierce, was charged with felony grand theft and felony shoplifting after said she rang up $1,824 worth of electronics for just $3.70 at a Walmart self-checkout, according to the TC Palm. (AOL News)
It’s a family story, too.
The suspect and her mom, Alicia West, allegedly picked up several high-priced items from the store’s electronics department, including video games and a laptop, and covered up the barcodes with stickers of merchandise from the store’s clearance department. (AOL News)
“Hey, we’re trying to play a tennis match here.”
Two pros are playing at the Sarasota Open when the match was interrupted, amusingly, by a couple having very loud sex nearby.
At first, the announcers thought it must be someone’s cell phone.
They soon realized that this was real.
Naturally, it occurred in Florida.
Tiger Woods had no comment.
It was 7:02. The weather was muggy, but the skies were clear. We needed some rain, but we wouldn’t get it today.
I was working out of traffic. My partner was Bill Gannon. The captain was Jim Hamilton. I was riding undercover, when I spotted the blue lights behind me. I pulled over.
I’ll let the press take it from here. They know how to write. I just fill out forms in triplicate. After filling out these forms, I could use some coffee. Bill says the machine’s not working. Figures.
Authorities say a man packing a blue light and a BB gun pulled over a non-descript car on Interstate 95 [in Florida], ready to play “traffic cop” again.
Bad move: the driver he pulled over is a real police detective. —AP story at WJLA, Washington
My report says Pacheco Bustamente had impersonated police officers before, a felony in Florida.
He’s 46 years years old. He ought to know better. You tell them, “Don’t do it again.” But they never listen.
Now, he’s looking for a lawyer.
Here’s how I figure it.
He probably wants a real one.
We’ll be back in 11 months with the results of that trial.
Comment: My favorite attorney, Lionel Hutz, is rested and ready.
Thanks to Jihan Varisco for finding this treat.
A Port St. Lucie teen texted his mom early Monday from the back of an ambulance west of Delray Beach. He had been in a wreck and needed her to grab the suitcase filled with marijuana and Xanax pills from his trunk, records show. –Palm Beach Post
If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, if you can text your Mother from the back of an ambulance….
Here’s the story. (WPLG, ABC10, Miami)
Mark Quartiano, also known as “Mark the Shark,” was about 2 miles off the coast of Miami on Wednesday when he came upon a bundle bobbing in the water.
Upon closer inspection, the bundle turned out to be a kilo of cocaine. –WPLG
He was more than surprised, he said. “I’d been fishing for crack.”
◆ Even if you know Florida, this may surprise you:
“The white male had his left arm around the shark’s head and was punching it repeatedly in the stomach,” Officer Robert Petty wrote in his sworn statement to Florida Wildlife Comission.
◆ Two guys had pulled the 8-foot shark onto the beach for a “photo opportunity” with a child. That’s right. A photo opportunity. With a child.
◆ The “excuses” offered for punching the shark seemed to vary, but here was the guy’s last one: he was helping the fish. “It’s kinda like doing CPR on a shark.”
The story is here. (Panama City News Herald)
♥ Hat Tip for helpful suggestions:
◆ “A Florida Man” for this story
So many oddball stories begin with the redolent phrase, “A Florida man . . . ”
So many, in fact, that some bright soul decided to ask people to send them in. He posts them on Reddit.
Here are two recent gems. The headlines tell it all.
Her continued hopefulness for a job at Wal-Mart is the best evidence I’ve seen that we Americans are an optimistic people.
On these matters, and so many more, it is helpful to quote P. G. Wodehouse,
He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more. -P.G.Wodehouse